Tuesday, July 25, 2006
thoughts：
有时觉得我怪时，很可能我有心事。
只是选择不讲，选择封闭。
我笑时，很可能我只不过是在逞强罢了。
因为心里的话说不出口。
tom goes to school late... the teacher scolds him and demanded him to wake up earlier for school
so the next day tom woke up earlier and went to school he was caught sleeping in lectures
Te: why you sleep in lecture??
To: sorry cher... had to wake up early so very tired...
Te: dont sleep in the lecture! if i catch you again you'll be sent out!
then later he was caught for chatting in the lecture
Te: why are you chit chatting during the lecture?
To: no cher i can only stay awake if i discuss with my friend
Te: why are you so sleepy?? cant you sleep earlier so that you'll have enough sleep??
so tom followed the instructions and slept early
next day he was caught not doing homework
Te: why didnt you do the tutorials??
To: i need to sleep early so that i wont sleep in the lecture thats why i dont have enough time to do my tutorials...
Te: cant u sleep lesser?? young man you dont need so much sleep do finish your homework before you sleep...
and the cycles continues with tom being late because he woke up late because he stayed up late because he had to finish his tutorials...
-THE END-
mm for the sad stuff now... mm had to go for some ritual tomorrow for my brother... gonna miss school but its okay... mm just that in the morning pf asked me some questions... kind of hard to answer... maybe i'll answer here ba... mm its hard not to think of him... he's the only brother i've had... and even though there are times when i hated him, still he's the one i spend the most time squabbling, fighting, chatting, watching show, its like the most brother brother i've had... he's the one i'll secretly cared, the one i'll protect if there's the need... the one i'll want to guide... whenever he disrespects me i'll be very angry cos i really treat him as a brother... and its like the around a month before the accident that i felt that our relationship strenghtened as brothers... cos i've really grown up to care for him already and he's less an asshole to me as before... we've more things to chat about and its the 1st time i felt that our generation gap has shranked... mm its like in the past i always tell the others that even with just 3years difference in age, we're having a gen gap... he's passing really affected me la... even on the smallest stuffes... its like when i went to watch x-men3, the 1st thing that just naturally popped into my mind was to tell him about the whole show when i go home-which was what i used to do... when i completed the 1st gundam after he passed away, i felt like shit... i was thinking to myself: "what the hell am i doing this... y am i making the gundams so nice when there's no one to show off to... no one to share my joy... "
there are times went i really felt empty at home... its like now there's so much emptiness that i cant replace nor can i salvage... its like when you see you're parents staring out into the window you know that they're missing him... but there's nothing you can do... i'm feeling very lost... maybe because i feel a need to replace my brother's position in the family and yet i couldnt... i know there's no way i could but there is nothing else i could do or i know could help...my relatives tell me i dont have to replace my brother or anything else... and now i know i can only be happy at home... smile... let them feel that there's nothing wrong with me... i know i cant be weak when i'm with them... i cant show how much i'm affected... cos they'll be even more sad... i know that since the 1st day of my brother's condition... i told myself that i'll be strong for my parents... i never really cried throughout the 13days he's int he icu... its only was right at the moment after the shutters close behing his coffin during the cremation...
i wanted to be normal, i cant... how can anyone be... i'm very much lost in my feelings now... for everything around me... there was never a day when i stop thinking about him... i'll have flashbacks now and then.. of the time we spent... pf asked me whether i hate the driver... i dont know... i really dont... i dont know what i'll be feeling the next time i see him... what will i feel towards the man that has shattered the hearts of my parents... the man who took away my brother... the man who's responsible for everything... maybe i'll be angry... maybe i will pity him for he also has to suffer through the journey... that'll have to depends on what he says then... whether or not he has the conscience... i dont know... i really dont wish to hate him... but if it has to be...................we'll see... we'll see...
it is true that you'll cherish the things you had once they're gone...
and u'll never cherish them no matter how hard you try
you'll always take everything in life for granted...
even for the things that has been lost and found again...
you'll never learn...
because its hard for you to accept the fact that
someday,
somehow,
somewhere,
u'll lose them...
and you'll never get it back...
i cant tell you to cherish the things you have...
because its of no use...
all i can say is...
think for others more...
share the love...
you'll understand when the time comes
or you already know...
-rain keeps poring-
12:34 am
Sunday, July 23, 2006
did homework the afternoon... and went my relative house to have dinner... was very boring... nothing to do there... all either of older generation or younger... bored...
was goin home when i saw a traffic accident... mm was between a bike and a car... it was at a cross junction not very far from my house nearer to hougang green area...mm the bike crashed into the passenger side of the front portion of the car... the side window was shattered and the glass pieces were on the floor... the front of the bike was badly damaged and there was blood on the floor... there was only the driver and i think the biker was sent to the nearest hospital... changi...
maybe the family are outside the emergency room waiting... hoping... praying...
maybe they're at the icu, praying that he wakes up...
maybe they're worried... sad... crying...
maybe they're thinking of all the bad things thats gonna happened...
maybe they're already mourning.. cos he/she's gone...
maybe...
-rain keeps poring-
3:25 pm
queen had to mislead me when i'm the one who told her how to recognise the busstop...haiz when we reach justin was there already... the dog toffy was a cute dog old 1 in fact... tires easily... haha slacked the whole afternoon doing god knows what... haha.. played with sean and sarah, pf's nephew and niece, mm sarah is very adorable... when she came to pf's house she interacted with meng jiat and me first... wasnt scared of any of us and when we're watching tv she'll come over to tap on my shoulder, looked at me den walked away... i love kids but i'm bad with carrying them... seldom had the experience and i'm afraid of hurting them when i'm that clumsy... so i didnt really wanted to carry them but in the end still tried on sean... queen's sister's kid are so friendly... that reminds me of my niece which is incredibly the opposite... always had a grumbled/angry face... and very easily irritated by everyone... but when she smiles, its equally adorable... she's pretty afraid of me... cos of one of the first few impressions of me... haha that time i was at her house and she saw me playing withe my cousin around the age of 8, then i was like trying to bite him, which is simply playing, but to her it was as though i was really going to eat him up.. so she started crying and i dunno what to do liao... haha...
we went over to queen's sister's house for a while before we left... wow a large golden retriever with a strong smell and another smaller dog... mm i left pf's house and was on my way to my niece's house... yes the 1 i just mention... cos it's her younger sister's full month celebration... had buffet but i was pretty much full by the lunch made by pf's sister...
the passing of one brings about the beginning of another
the young reflects the old
time has affected all of us... and soon
everything that is living will become the ones who lived...
let time pass for us and let it enriches us with the experiences in life...
so that when we passes on, it brings about the joy of the living and the peace of the dead...
-rain keeps poring-
3:19 pm
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
went to watch superman returns on mon... wasnt a bad movie... except they made lex look like a five year old kid trying to take over the world... and the gang look seriously like they're from the new circus crew... especially the scene with the toy trains and the model towns, where the gang with lex standing with the female accomplice and the rest of the gang behing, they look alot like new the new circus crew in town... Luther comedy act... to think that
speaking of superman reminds me about xmen... since the director's the one who made xmen2 and gave up xmen3 for superman... mm i've got lotsa of views for it... prior to the change of director on the news, there was actually the threatening of halle berry to quit xmen as the original script had her as a minor role or too little scenes... which i think eventually leads to the change of script and i would presume the change of director...
well.. i would very much prefer to give up halle berry for a better xmen3... it sucked completely... sorta change the whole theme of xmen and killed all the characters so as to make halle berry and hugh jackman the stars of the show... lost the 'feel' of xmen where it is a goup not 2 heros, a team not 2 sophisticated characters and a bunch of kids...haiz.. and i would be representive to the whole of marvel fans that a change in the actress wouldnt affect the feeling of the show, as she isnt the most important charcter in xmen... maybe to the director/preoducer/scriptwriter but i doubt the audience or specifically the fans would think so... and one last thing that set me on fire was that they destroyed my dream: marvel vs the apocalyspe.. imagine all the charcters of marvel comics coming together to make 1 ultimate movie!!! omg!!!
for yesterday nothing much happened... only that i was being bullied by xinyu the whole of afternoon... treated like her male maid... argh!!! haha... she needs help just wave her hand then expect me to come sia!! haha... mm anyway ya went to see xinyu's blog... haiz okok not very pretty but ya decent... haha sorry la cannot imagine you when pf say saw u dress up very pretty... ok fine i'm sorry ok, please accept my sincere apologies, if my actions caused distress or confusion to you the princess sotong... 'no, sorry also must explain'... wahaha...
haiz everyone seems to be brooding over one thing or another recently me inclusive... tian was sad about something, connie dunno y, seems quieter and moody... yz being worried about her injuries... everyone's troubled... the cursed month... and i'm changing my holiday mood to a more serious one, to do work and hopefully improve my grades!!!
was thinking of writing some sinister stuff at the end of the blog... like what i did on the old blog on friendster... but haiz save it for some other day ba... bye...
was thinking, was thinking...
maybe i think too much...
maybe i havent been thinking enough...
maybe maybe
was thinking.. thought of... thought...forgotten...
-rain keeps poring-
3:57 pm
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Friday was a boring day for me... morning 2 lectures den taught yiwen and wee beng stats although i seriousy think that they dont need my help... 3hours of break and tried 2 finish my poisson... followed by 2 sleepy lessons of Chem & GP... failed my GP as usual... know that my essay sucked but was pretty much disappointed with my peper2, the only paper that i had hope... followed by last period of PE... last PE lesson in my life... got C9 during the cmpb checkup so no need ippt no need napha... then meet up with xinyu jus pf connie n meng jiat to eat dinner at bugis' bk... wow now can add toppings to your whopper jr. so shiok... added american chese and turkey bacon and it turned out well... 1st time went bugis street feeling cool and mood for shopping... but jus' hurring for tuition so didnt stop much... a bit wasted but there's always chance...shopping mood recently... so much so that they gave me the name shopping king...
Today was a short day... woke up at 12.30 ate lunch slack and played com... dinner out cos grandma's birthday... mm wasnt a really good dinner... cos of the super hot asam crab... something made me really sad- grandma couldnt recognise me... bad memory so not really sad about it but it was that the only things she said to me in teary eyes was 'ah cai like that gone liao'... and after that we stop by a china import cd stall and it was playing kiss goodbye... the song that i chose for him for his blog...
life simply sucked...
it doesnt have to be this way but it is...
stil living a meaningless life
i want to find a dream... a goal, something i want in life...
still searching... i hope i find it
cos i dont wanna live my life fulfiling obligations to everyone else
and none to me...
i dont wanna regret everything i've done by doing nothing or
acheiving nothing in particular
i just wana lived a life worth living...
izit that hard??
-rain keeps poring-
5:56 pm
Thursday, July 13, 2006
still missing my brother like mad... it's never been this quiet in the house and most of all i guess it affected me much more than i expected... now i worry for my parents now and than and my mind keeps flashing images of the whole incident from start till it ended... this sux...
schools been very sucky too... new timetable simply sucks... longer days more empty breaks... was being optimistic about finding teachers for consultation during these timings but remembered me telling the teachers that i'll be meeting them durin the june holidays and in the end i didnt sort of bring me back to the realistic me... but but but A's coming... maybe this will make me wanna do more...
been closer to xinyu and peifen this few days... xinyu because i've been having the urge to tease her everytime i see her and also cause she's been my confidant today... haiz somehow i seem to tell her alot... mm but she doesnt tell me much... peifen because we go back home together ever since she moved to seng kang... mm an also cause she's another confidant and also a target of my suaning...
went back home with peifen today and lucky her la, got a chance to suan me back... tease me about this little baby laughing at me and drooling... and she couldnt stop laughing!!! omg... its just a baby...haha.. mm anyway we didnt fall asleep like we did yesterday and ya was thinking that maybe the bubble tea auntie added too much sugar in our bubble teas... high sugar level... but something proved me wrong... when i went home i recieved a message from peifen saying that she overslept......... ya dots.........
well enjoyed the company of the clique i'm with most of the time in school... been thinking of a clique name but than someone siad who's really in the clique and who's not?? mm maybe its a group of frenz who came together because of byg... even those that didnt participated in byg(shawn xinyu etc) but got to know everyone else through CCS and BYG because of friends... BYGgies... haha thats the 1st name that came into mind
mm y i'm writin so much on my 1st actual post... mm maybe i like to talk to myself and finally got my own blog...
well signing off now.. gotta finish poisson tutorial before mr heng whacks me tml...
[windy] - jie-
-rain keeps poring-
4:37 pm
i'm sure most of those who know this blog knows me well enough so wouldnt be wasting too much time on introduction...
i'm someone who is forgetful, lazy, slacker... someone who loves being with true friends and enjoys the company of people that cheers me up... lived the past 18 years with tons of regrets and anticipating more... still searchin for my talents... saddistic and loves blood(donation)... thinks alot, troubles alot, enjoys alot, trust alot, feels alot...
Xtra
i'm juz a guy drifting in the world, enjoying friends and most of all looking forward... not that i'm optimistic but i just need to see whats ahead... it helps when you're low, gives you the push in the darkest hours... i guess i'm also someone who's got a multi- personality... sorta helps me alot in life cos life's changin and my character is irratic... maybe i'm just someone who runs away from my real self... all i know is that it helps me in different situations and yet sometimes i get so confuse over who i should be... i just want to be someone who has a dream... i'm still searchin...
devil in disguise...
devil is in me, i know, sooner or later its gonna be out... hoping the angel comes out often
devil in disguise...
a techno song... nice but shant give you guys headache so wouldnt be putting up
devil... see u guys soon
-rain keeps poring-
3:56 pm